yelp

i haven't been around for a while, and honestly it was because my life literally imploded. this series of events sounds unreal but i thought i might want to record it here so i don't keep looking back thinking that it was my fault, or that i overreacted, or that i was stupid, or that i made it all up in my head and overexaggerated it. because i didn't, and i was like a frog in boiling water for so long.  

they say that the person that you choose to marry is one of the most important decisions of your life, and i always thought i was logical. i chose someone who came from a good family, extremely educated, financially stable, and he seemed to be logical as well. in my friend group, my friends were always like, "you're so calm and logical, and you do well under stress" and i thought i found someone on that same wavelength.

but things started going downhill when my ex-husband started going into daytrading--short term stocks--and he lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. i was not happy about this but i thought, he'll stop eventually, and plus, even though that money came out of our joint account, most of it was gifted to us by his parents. also, i have a lot of earning potential, i could easily carry a family by myself with my own income. eventually, i thought he stopped, but it seemed like he just got better at hiding it, and i was too trusting. when we filed our taxes, the numbers were insane, and he even depleted all of his retirement accounts. every. single. thing. the only reason we had money was because of me. this was late 2023, and i was miserable even though i tried so hard to tell myself i wasn't. but love can get us through regardless of finances right? turns out we couldn't even hold onto that. 

in the last year of his program throughout 2024, he had to work closely with a woman, and she was known to be difficult. but eventually he told me he wanted to kill her because she was sabotaging his projects based on her fickle moods. he felt so murderous he checked into urgent counseling and their screening indicated homicidal tendencies and depression. eventually though, that obsession with killing her turned into love. he denied it at first, but i felt that something was wrong for a long time. i started crying everyday when he stopped sharing his location--something we always did--and was protective about his phone. it wasn't until i found the pictures that he told me that he no longer had feelings for me. it was so confusing because he used to say he wanted to put a gun to her head and shoot her dead. it was the scariest that he had ever been, and now, he thought she was his soulmate. 

i cried to a friend about this, lets call her Friend A. that friend's husband worked in the same place as them. and i didn't ask him to do this, nor did i anticipate him to confront them, but the husband went there, because he thought he was friends with the other woman--someone who had come over to my house and that i had gone out of my way to feed and provide multiple vegetarian options when my ex-at-the-time did not care to. i also thought we were friends. but my friend's husband confirmed that she showed no guilt, no remorse, and she said that she and my ex-husband were going to be together now. Friend A and her husband immediately cut them both off even though they had known my ex and the woman for longer than me. 

but my ex caught wind of them finding out. he stormed home and started throwing things, calling me a manipulative evil bitch and told me he wasn't going to play nice anymore if i was going to tell the world. he wanted three bullets too--one for Friend A, one for her husband, and one for an uninvolved coworker who was underperforming at work, because apparently they were all ruining his plans.

i was shaking. one of my high school friends texted me domestic violence resources and told me to record everything.

i left that night and stayed with Friend A and her husband for a week, before moving to another friend's place for another week, and then moving into my own apartment and filing for divorce.

the divorce would jeopardize his green card because he was on a temporary one since we were married for only three years. apparently they had an arrest out of his name too, because he skipped South Korean military service thinking that he would be a citizen here. i think i was stupid for marrying him, maybe i was used all this time so he could get out of military service. but when the divorce was ongoing, he called me names, he said if i didnt sign the green card endorsement forms and letters i would be leaving an addict to overdose on the street, that i was shooting him dead in the head. he pestered me and wouldn't stop until i caved in and signed them. i felt so used. some small evil part of me wants him deported in this political climate. but he's probably safe, he has a lawyer and he gets to restart his life in medical school at the rochester mayo clinic with a PhD under his name. it feels sick and unfair, but most of the time, i dont care anymore. i'm just glad he's far away and i don't have to see his face anymore, though i do worry about his prospective patients. 

the whole divorce swirl started in august 2024, and february 2025 was when i was sure i wanted to leave. the lawyers got together the documents in april, and the divorce was finalized in june. my therapist said i need to sit down, and that i just went from one thing to another so quickly in this year that i haven't gotten a chance to rest. 

the thing is i do feel like i have rested. i slept so much. i have been so exhausted and i cant get out of bed. my job performance is suffering and i am irrationally scared of anyone who shows a little romantic interest in me even though i try not to show that. i have been sleeping for so long. 

it took a few months for the nightmares to stop. i joked about it a lot and tried to make light of it. but i did go to a lot of therapy. and thank goodness for her because pulling the moments out of me was like pulling teeth. looking back at it, me making light of the situation was probably frustrating. when i thought i was ready to see other men only a few months after, she must have been horrified. when i said, maybe it wasn't that bad and i was just overreacting, she must have really shook her head.

it's september now, and my life is completely different.

• i live in an apartment by myself now, for the first time, and i have the cutest cat named lemon.
• all of my friends are still my friends. all of his friends who know me are not his friends anymore and they became my friends.
• i am making music again, and writing sometimes. i found communities for both hobbies and i feel so fulfilled in them.
• i've been trying to explore more U.S cities, so i've been traveling.
• i treat myself and i'm trying not to be too frugal and i'm trying not to deny myself things anymore. i must treasure these moments with myself and let myself have happy things, and happy experiences. 
• i formed an obsessive crush on the one guy i tried to date but it didn't work out. but on most days, now i realize he's just a symbol of hope that there are better things out there for me. and a measure of my minimum requirements in a person. now i have a list of traits i need in a partner, traits i want, and unusually specific traits that i would love to see in them. if i ever was ready again. 
• im taking care of my body and health. and i'm not crying every night anymore.
• i blame myself less for not knowing he was a bad person for me. he was so mild-mannered and good at maintaining an image, no one knew. 
• my self esteem is coming back, but i do thank the heavens that i have never felt inferior to the other woman. i do not envy her emotional instability, her insecurity, or the way she makes all of her coworkers miserable, or even the fact that she is white and blonde, which he said he now prefers over my asian and black hair features. do you know how many people admire my traits? a lot.  
• i am working on holding other people to as high of standards that i hold myself to. and learning only to accept good things in my life. just because i am chill doesn't mean i should accept things that use up the maximum amount of chillness, if that makes any sense. 
• im learning how to define my personality again. and trying out lots of new things!

but it is not normal for a spouse to gamble away every penny of money they have access to, want to kill a person and then engage in infidelity with that same person, and it is not normal for them to talk to me in that way or throw things at me. any one of those things would have someone running away. i just stayed before because i felt like my marriage was a contract and that i promised forever. but it should never feel like a trap like that.

if it looks like that, i'd always choose to leave again. i'd keep the door wide open.

there are lots of things my therapist called him to explain what happened. a man with an addiction problem to gambling and women, which was only held off because he had a relatively benign addiction before he switched addictions--videogames--but is further explained when his mother told me he had an alcohol addiction in undergrad. my therapist also called him someone with possible narcissistic personality disorder, with little empathy and remorse, who lets their life be controlled by shame. and at our last meeting, when he asked me "what is wrong with you that made you love a psychopath" and said that he [might kill someone, he doesn't know, but if he does, i'll probably hear it through the grapevine from one of our mutual friends]. he waved me away when i said please dont, these are actions within his control. 

my therapist said that maybe he is right about himself, obviously she can't diagnose him, but antisocial personality disorder is consistent. 

i feel dumb for not knowing. those seem like huge flaws that you'd think i notice after dating for years. but i only noticed the signs when we got married and everything started to slip. but i shouldn't think like this... i shouldn't blame myself. what matters is i'm free now, and i wish i got out earlier. but i should remember that i got out when i was ready. and honestly, my therapist says i got out very early.

there are so many other details that was mind boggling that i'm leaving out, but this catches the gist of it all. 

i hope that in a couple months i'll be completely fine again.